How did I get here?

Sometimes you sit down, look in the mirror and say, "how on earth did I get here?"
Now don't be mistaken, I know how I "got" here, one day my mom and dad fell in love, then they hugged and 9 months later I was here.

But you know, when you think of all of the choices made up until this very moment. The great ones, the dumb ones, the ones you never want to remember, and you you think, "Sheesh" I used to be kind of an idiot.

I have had one of those days, reflecting the past, contemplating the future, and pondering the now. (so wise, I know!)

I think of how I really don't have any friends from the past, any one I grew up with that I can call up and vent to, no one who knows everything about me and who knows exactly what makes me tick, and smile, laugh, and cry.

I think of friends made, memories treasured, but then lost and slowly fading.
I think of the decisions people make and how sad they make me feel.
I think of the memories I want to share with my kids, and the ones I hope they never find out.
I think of things I have said in hate and anger, and how I wish I could take it all back.
I think of the times I wasted, being selfish, ignorant, and flat out stubborn.

I wish I could go back. Do it all again, do most of the important things the same (mike, marrying him, loving him, etc) but change the bad. I wish I could have been a better example to my friends and siblings. I wish I could have been a better daughter to my parents, and to my heavenly parents. I wish that I could have taken experiences learned from others and not tried to learn them on my own.

I know who I am today. I know I might not have been this person if it weren't for my past.
I know I am not perfect, or far from it. I know I can try harder. I know I want to make decision now so that one day I can look back and not regret it. I know I can one day make my children proud to say that I am their mother. I know I can be a good example to a friend. I know I can help others and care less about me. I know I can be a better sister, daughter, wife, friend.

I'm learning that with everyday comes new challenges, new upsets, new hopes, new adventures, and new trials. I'm learning who I want to be. I'm learning the things that I love, and the ones I don't quite love. I'm learning about the world and how people treat other people. I'm learning about love, respect, and compassion. I'm learning about failing and succeeding. I'm learning about faith and hope. I'm learning, slowly but surely, about this thing we call life.

and one day
when I meet my maker, I want to look him in the face and say,
"This is all I could do, I have nothing else to give, I am not perfect, and I know I'm lacking"

and I know he will say,

"that is enough, I have provided the rest."

Summer's Heating Up!

Since my last post, I have decided to have a better attitude towards my situation and make the best of what I'm dealt with. So with all of the extra time I have had doing nothing, I have made an effort to clean my house, exercise more and get back into the shape I want to be, think about wanting to learn how to cook (I am starting today, by picking recipes I like and going to the store to get groceries for the week), catch up on some reading, and finding a job.

I start each day with a personalized to do list...and try my best to stay busy all day! Its been working, and instead of moping, I've been getting a lot done.

Since I have not posted any pictures from the end of my internship till now, I will do so with subtitles of what I have been up to lately!

Warning: Lots of pictures ahead!

The Aria - The beautiful hotel room we stayed in after 5 Weeks of not seeing each other!

It was gorgeous and we definitely had so much fun!

We got all dressed up for a night out on the town.

Then we ate at one of my favorite places - Serendipity 3

Their frozen hot chocolate is to die for!

We finished up the weekend with a family reunion in St. George
We hiked to see the Grand Canyon -Gorgeous and oh so windy!

We had some family photos done - The 3 girls!

The whole fam damily! (aunts & cousins visiting from Brasil)

Mike and I

Snow Canyon Hike

That orange blob on me is my baby niece I carried all the way in.

Olivia's Baby Blessing

Brasil World Cup Game

The fans!

Big Screen

The girls in LA - day before we left - Dockweiler BeachLast Day at Kelly Wearstler - Kwang Wei & Leana (architect & designer)

Kelly & I - She made sure we took this picture full body so you could see our shoes...so funny!
She also gave me a signed book and thanked me for my work there. I had a great experience.

Fourth of July weekend with the Watts'!

Sitting around the fire roasting 'mallows

Waiting for the Cache Valley Cruise-In to start!

I named this one the Barbie Mobile

Bear Lake Fun

So here comes a story. On sunday at church our ward announced that at the end of the month they would be holding a mini biathlon for fun. The biathlon included a 2 mile run followed by a 6 mile bike ride. I told Mike about it and said I might want to do it. He laughed and said, "you could never finish that." I told him I could do it today without even training, and he bet me $100 bucks that I could not even finish the run. Well with a lot of egging on from Watts family members and my desire to spite him, it was on! The rules were 2 mile run followed by a 6 mile bike in under an hour!
Leslie set out the track. It would be a one mile in on the River walk and one mile out, then she tracked a 6 mile bike round through neighborhoods and windy roads to keep us out of busy streets. Amy & Charlie decided to help me along and ride with me for support. I had lots of cheerleaders! Mike couldn't believe I was actually going to do it without any training at all and after 2 months of eating Junk food in LA and not doing an ounce of exercise.
Monday morning I woke up bright and early and we all headed down to see what would happen.

Amy & I stretching before our 2 mile run! (No I am not an amputee, streching...)

Finishing 2 miles after about 25 minutes. (I was kind of regretting it all at this point, legs were Jello and I could barely keep up with miss marathon runner Amy)

6 Miles on a bike. I have never in my life ridden a rode bike, and definitely not for that long.

The conclusion of our race - 45 minutes!

The award ceremony - mike presenting me with my $100 dollar check!
(All done at McDonald's of course, breakfast of champions!)
I'm sure he was eating his words right about then, but I bet he'll never challenge me again, My competitiveness overcomes all pain!

Mike and his new barbecuing technique. Skewer in Fire pit. It was actually pretty good.

Going out of my mind!

So I guess I was too excited to come home from LA, I forgot what I was coming back to. Now before people start getting all sorts of offended, Logan is a great place, but coming from LA with so many things to do and so many opportunities, it's definitely a change of pace. I came back expecting to have an amazing summer filled with romance, sunshine, and excitement, and all though I have had some of those things, I am just flat our bored all of the time!

I've been trying to find a job, which is a bummer. I have no friends in Logan who are available to just hang out and keep me entertained, and have I mentioned .... I'm just flat our bored.

Ugghhhh.....its pretty frustrating. I can't blame Mike, he's just too busy trying to keep us afloat to hang out with me, and I have been exercising and dieting for something to do (to gain the extra lbs I gained in LA), that I might be going out of my mind.

Not only that but the fact that since I have moved back I feel like I really need to go see a shrink, I don't know if that's crazy or if its normal for one to feel like they're losing all sanity at one point in life, but I definitely have lost mind. I can't clean my house any more than I have, the plants can't be watered anymore before they drown, and Bella cannot be brushed, bathed, tooth-brushed ear cleaned, every day (really she hates it). I also have had some pretty crazy realistic dreams that wake me up in sweats and rage. I hate it!

So really, If this post makes any sense at all....HELP!!! I need suggestions on how to stay busy, things I can do on my own considering the situation, and how to bring back the romance, sunshine, and excitement that I am so longing for this summer.

Please?